Crackers and Juice: Snack time for Christians

Chapter 1 part 2

Six year old Justah sits with his mother third pew center of the Ebeneezer Baptist Church, although it is now called Ichabod  Baptist Church after the whole TV disaster.

Justah is filling in the O’s, P’s and D’s of the morning bulletin when new pastor, I.M. Boring, says in conclusion for the fifth time. The house lights lower and the pipe organ begins to bellow out I Surrender All as Pastor Boring starts the altar call.

“Please stand with every head bowed and every eye closed. If you know that if you were hit by a bus on the way home from church that you would go to heaven raise your hand.”Justah’s mom raises her hand high in the air. Justah knows this because he is peeking out of one eye. It is no surprise to him that his mom is going to heaven because she gets to have snack time. You see, every three months or so, the men in black suits bring out the golden trays and on the trays are tiny crackers and thimbles full of wine….I mean grape juice. Only those who are going to heaven get to have snack time.

Pastor Boring continues “Now if you don’t know for sure that you would go to heaven if you were his by that bus, raise your hand.” At this time Justah raises his hand. He knows he is not going to heaven because he doesn’t get to have snack time. Most Sundays Justah would be a good boy and keep his head bowed and his eyes closed but as Pastor Boring says “I see that hand, oh yes I see that hand, yes, YES I see your hand!” Justah is filled with curiosity of all these people who are not going to heaven. So he lifts up his head and peeks through tiny slits of his eyes. His eyes widen as the shock of seeing that he is the only one raising his hand. He looks up at the preacher ( which he soon regrets) and Pastor Boring is looking right at him beckoning him with his bony finger to come to the altar of doom…I mean salvation.

Justah shakes his head no and quickly closes his eyes and bows his head and keeps them that way until he is safely at home. Even though he did run into the wall three time trying to get through he door.

Justah thinks that the horror is over but the nightmare has just begun. After service that Sunday evening, Pastor Boring calls for Justah and his mother to come to the Pastor’s Study. It was long rumored, by the older kids, that people go into the study but never come out…

“Sit down young man” says Pastor Boring with a soft, kind voice. “Would you like some crackers and maybe some juice?” he asks as he pushes one of the golden trays before Justah. “Wow”, thinks Justah, “this isn’t so bad, I don’t know what I was so afraid of.” Justah reaches for one of the tiny crackers when Pastor Boring, with the back of his swinging arm, knocks the try off the desk with a crash. “Not so fast heathen, first you must pray this prayer.” That’s when the interrogation begins. Pastor Boring pushes a lamp into the face of Justah. “Don’t you want to go to heaven? Pray this prayer!” over and over again. “Pray this prayer, pray it, you know you want to. now just repeat after me. I’ll make it easy on you just bow your head and pray silently.” Justah does not bow his head, he just looks at Pastor Boring and then to his mother and back to Pastor. “I tell  you what my little friend, I will pray the prayer and when I am done just blink twice if you believe the prayer. How about that?” Justah is frozen in fear. Pastor Boring looks to Mrs. O’Body and says, “I have never had someone so close to being saved and not get saved.” And with that Justah and his mom head home.

When Justah is safely at home and snugged as a bug in a rug under his M*A*S*H* 4077th covers. He thinks about what Pastor Boring said. “Don’t you want to go to heaven, just pray this prayer.” He knows that if he prays the prayer that he will get to have snack time at church, although he would have to take a bath in front of everyone but it would be worth it. So Justah stands up in the middle of his bed and says “Lord the preacher said that I need to pray this prayer so here it goes. Forgive me and come into my heart so that I can go to heaven when I am hit by a bus on the way home from church. Amen.

Soon Justah took his bath (baptism) and from then on he joins in on snack time.

 

Justah Christian part 1

This is part one of Chapter 1 of the Adventures of Justah N. O’Body

Chapter 1 Justah Christian

 

TV or not TV? That’s a dumb question

 

The year is 1982 the location is a small southwestern town in New Mexico. Four year old Justah N. O’Body with his mom and dad visit the Ebeneezer Independent, Fundamental, Dispensational, Premillennial, Pre-Tribulational, Non-Liberal, Door Knocking,Soul Winning,KING JAMES VERSION ONLY Baptist Church.  

As his family enter the church the scene before them is out of an episode of Night Court, with the Judge’s bench, plaintiff and defendant tables, a witness stand and even a tall bald-headed man in a bailiff uniform sequestering them to the back pews.

The bailiff brings out the defendant, a 1981 Zenith color television, being wheeled in on a flimsy aluminum TV stand.

The prosecuting attorney, who is also the pastor of the church, begins to make his case against the defendant testifying to the court of the perversion that has been allowed into our homes through Satan’s evil eye called television. He tells how through the Horns of Satan called rabbit ears that sex, drugs, and rock n roll is spewing its corrosive influence upon our children and adults alike.

From the senseless violence of the A-Team; the promotion of drunkenness, laziness, debauchery and stupidity of Cheers;The liberalism, communism and socialism of Family Ties; the feminism of Kate and Allie and how Newhart’s Larry and his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl is none other than Lucifer and Double Demons. “I rest my case!”.

The Pastor puts on a Judge’s robe and declares the TV guilty. The sentence is death by beating. The judge takes off the robe and puts on an executioner’s mask and whips out a Louisville Slugger baseball bat and commences to beat the TV into a pile of glass, plastic and electrodes.

The TV is dead and the O’Bodys are in shock. “What an idiot.” whispers Mr. O’Body.

Later it was revealed that the Pastor owned a T.V. but he insisted that it was only to watch the News and Cooking with Justin Wilson, I garontee.

Justah N. O’Body

Over the next few weeks I will share parts of a book that I am writing. This is the introduction.

Introduction:

Growing up I had a crises of identity. People would not call me by my name but referred to me as Barbara’s boy, Willie’s son, E.C.’s grandson or Mary Sue’s grandson. When I was older my first name was used as a second name. They would say it’s “Just David”. I would show up for a youth event and they would say it’s Just David so let’s go home or It’s Just David so it’s not worth going.

As an adult things haven’t changed much for I am still known by my parents and grandparents which I consider a privilege. There are times I am still called Just. Just a high School graduate, just a preacher, just an associate pastor, just an A-Div and on and on it goes.

Out of my identity crises comes this book about the adventures of Justah N. O’Body. You will come along on Justah’s spiritual journey from his earliest church memories to his salvation and time as a pastor.

Though the heart of each story is completely true I have used dramatic license for the fun of it all. Names have been changed to protect me from bodily harm and lawsuits. Enjoy

David Young